I have quit smoking and quit drinking. Right now I am regretting both those decisions - cause I could really use a Maker's Mark and a Marlboro Light. In fact, I desperately want them both even though its 9 in the morning.
This morning I found out that someone very, very precious to me is sick. And I am not really handling it well. So I've sat down to tell the cosmic void how I feel in the hopes that saying it all out loud will help me stop crying.
I am scared.
I am trying so hard to turn to God, to pray for his will. But my prayers keep coming up selfish. I keep praying for her to be better - to not have to go down this road. I am pretty sure that's not how I am supposed to pray and not what I am supposed to ask for... but its so desperately what I want. I wish I could be unselfish enough to pray for wisdom, and patience... but I am not there yet. And right now, I wonder if I can ever get to that point.
I am scared.
In this moment, I have horrible regret that I moved away. I just want to be with my friend. Even if its just to sit next to her and do nothing. I don't want to be here; I don't want to be in this place away from them. I feel truly trapped right now. I know that being there won't change anything but it would just make me feel better.
But for now, I am just going to sit here and pray my selfish prayers and cry. A lot.