Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Need a Vice

I have quit smoking and quit drinking.  Right now I am regretting both those decisions - cause I could really use a Maker's Mark and a Marlboro Light.  In fact, I desperately want them both even though its 9 in the morning. 

This morning I found out that someone very, very precious to me is sick.  And I am not really handling it well.  So I've sat down to tell the cosmic void how I feel in the hopes that saying it all out loud will help me stop crying.

I am scared. 

I am trying so hard to turn to God, to pray for his will.  But my prayers keep coming up selfish.  I keep praying for her to be better - to not have to go down this road.  I am pretty sure that's not how I am supposed to pray and not what I am supposed to ask for... but its so desperately what I want.  I wish I could be unselfish enough to pray for wisdom, and patience... but I am not there yet. And right now, I wonder if I can ever get to that point. 

I am scared. 

In this moment, I have horrible regret that I moved away.  I just want to be with my friend.  Even if its just to sit next to her and do nothing.  I don't want to be here; I don't want to be in this place away from them.  I feel truly trapped right now.  I know that being there won't change anything but it would just make me feel better.

But for now, I am just going to sit here and pray my selfish prayers and cry.  A lot.

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